Forever in my heart

graphics for moms

Soaring in the sky

Reading quotes about death or daughter actually makes me feel really good. I smile when I know it probably makes some people sad. I guess I am experiencing some peace. It doesn't make the loss any easier...I miss my beautiful Isabella more and more each day. At least now I can smile sometimes instead of just cry. I still have hope. . . as weird as that may sound.

What I wanted most for my daughter was that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be.

Helen Claes

Last Friday, September 17th, exactly 3 months from when Isabella passed away I was walking out from a meeting and a BEAUTIFUL butterfly almost smacked me in the face. When I was in Costa Rica I fell in love with and then studied the Blue Morpho Butterfly. To me, the Blue Morpho is the MOST beautiful butterfly and the butterfly that almost landed on me was very similar to that butterfly. Now, the logical scientific part of me KNOWS that there is no way there could be a blue morpho around here, and it didn't have the exact same markings anyway. BUT, I do think that Isabella, or God, or both send me "signs" to comfort me. It made me smile on a day that I didn't think I could smile. It made me have hope again...even when that may seem like a very hard thing to still have. I still have faith, hope, and love. And right now at this very moment, I am happy. I know Isabella wants to look down on a happy mommy, not a sad one. So on this Friday we had enough strength to pick out her headstone. I made sure to put a butterfly on it.

International Babylost Father's Day

I feel like I have a lot of support from a lot of people but I think that people tend to forget that father's are grieving too. I know that Dan feels like he has to fix things--and losing Isabella is not something that can be fixed. That is a tough thing for a dad to deal with. I think that it is extra hard because he does not have as many outlets to grieve as I do...I worry about him. I know he is hurting too. I hope that people will remember that father's need that support and love.

Daughter Quote

Daughters are angels sent from above to fill our hearts with unending love.

Everything is just different now.

Everything is just different now. Some things are actually good too. I definitely enjoy each moment I spend with my family. I stop and smell the roses and try not to get frustrated over the the little things. I enjoy the wagon rides, bedtime stories, and even dirty diapers--or accidents while we try potty training. I definitely have a very different perspective on the world than most people do. It is very hard to function day to day. I am completely exhausted each night from going to work, acting all day and then trying to give Dominic as much attention as I can give. It is harder than I ever thought it would be. I hope one day it gets easier because it is very hard continue to keep doing this day in and day out.

Few if us know what we are capable of doing...we have never pushed ourselves hard enough to find out. Alfred A. Montapert. This quote has sat on my desk for the first weeks of school to remind be to keep on pushing. I know I am giving my 110% in as much as possible and as much as I can do so hopefully it will get better and I will be able to start doing a little more each day.

Terrible Two's

I really hate when people complain about their children. I don't think that they realize how blessed they truly are. When people say that their child is driving them crazy, I just think I wish Isabella was here and could be driving me crazy. Dominic has just turned two, and I always here people say--Oh no the terrible two's! I think that I absolutely LOVE this age and I will love every age and stage that he goes through. Dominic has had trouble sleeping, I think he is starting to get scared. Last night he said , "Mommy--scared, sit down." He wanted me to sleep next to his crib because he was scared of the dark. I picked him up and started rocking him and I began to cry. I just thought I will never be able to do this with/for Isabella. It is so hard to not wonder how life would be different if she was here. I know how hard it is to be a parent, and I know how tough it is to go without sleeping. I know how hard it is to have a sick child. It is very tough being a parent and I know how difficult it is to have a sick child. I know how hard it is to have 2 sick children and that was very hard to deal with. But I also know how hard it is to lose a child and that is the hardest thing in the world. It just breaks your heart.

I rocked Dominic and put him to bed--with the door cracked open so he could have some light and he said, Mommy, I love you. And I said, " I love you too Dominic."

Butterfly Quote

I found this quote and I love it. I figured I would post it so I don't forget it.

A butterfly lands near us, and for a brief moment its beauty belongs to the world. But then it flies on again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so blessed to have seen it.

Day of Hope

Today August 19 is the Day of Hope. I think it is such a beautiful thing to do in order to remember the babies that we have lost. I think it is the nicest thing that It us celebrated because I am always thinking about Isabella. It makes me feel like other people are remembering her today too and I love that since she is so special.

To me Day of Hope represents many different things. It makes me hope that one day I will not have such a heavy heart. I will always have a void from losing Isabella but I hope that eventually it will be easier to function. I hope that one day I will be able to talk about how strong, brave, and courageous Isabella was without breaking down in tears. I hope one day I can help another mom in need. I hope that one day I will not be so angry. I hope that one day I will not be so sad. I hope that one day I our family will be united again.

Breathe

Breathe. . . it is something that we take for granted. I decided to call my blog "Breathe" because it is a reminder to me. We breathe all the time and most of us do it without thinking about it. It is one of the most important functions of life, yet for me it has become hard. Why am I allowed to breathe when Isabella couldn't. Now I feel like at times I can't breathe...or I have to remind myself to breathe. "Come on Denielle--just breathe and it will be alright." I repeat this to myself sometimes because the pain is so terrible that it hurts to breathe.

It hurts to breathe because my daughter could not breathe on her own, and believe me she tried.

First Entry

I have never written a blog before but I decided to start one to help me deal with the loss of our baby girl, Isabella Rose. Isabella was such a blessing and taught me so many things in her short 6 days here on earth. I miss her more and more everyday and I hope that one day my entries will be more hopeful and happy instead of sad and angry. I know that I am grieving and I always will grieve for her but I also want to share happy moments and memories of my darling Isabella. Hopefully this blog can provide an outlet to me where I can feel free to express my feelings about our family's terrible loss. I also hope that reading about my experiences can help other mother's who are going through this terrible tragedy and maybe these mothers can find some comfort in my words or just comfort knowing that there are other mother's who are in pain as well.