Meredith couldn't have said it better

Well I am a big Grey's Anatomy fan and it was brutal watching this last episode. It really made me revisit my grief today....being extremely tired and storming outside didn't make me feel much better either. Meredith said something that just summed up how I am feeling today--and a lot of other days even though I hide it through a facade.

"I mean what the hell is going on! What's the point? I mean is there a reason for this? Because if you can think of a reason, any reason at all why the universe is so screwed up and random and mean~Now would be an amazingly good time to tell me because I REALLY need some answers."

Today is just at bad day, hopefully tomorrow will be a little better.

Photo #24 from Dominic Endres | Pictage

Photo #24 from Dominic Endres | Pictage

Forever in my heart

graphics for moms

Soaring in the sky

Reading quotes about death or daughter actually makes me feel really good. I smile when I know it probably makes some people sad. I guess I am experiencing some peace. It doesn't make the loss any easier...I miss my beautiful Isabella more and more each day. At least now I can smile sometimes instead of just cry. I still have hope. . . as weird as that may sound.

What I wanted most for my daughter was that she be able to soar confidently in her own sky, whatever that may be.

Helen Claes

Last Friday, September 17th, exactly 3 months from when Isabella passed away I was walking out from a meeting and a BEAUTIFUL butterfly almost smacked me in the face. When I was in Costa Rica I fell in love with and then studied the Blue Morpho Butterfly. To me, the Blue Morpho is the MOST beautiful butterfly and the butterfly that almost landed on me was very similar to that butterfly. Now, the logical scientific part of me KNOWS that there is no way there could be a blue morpho around here, and it didn't have the exact same markings anyway. BUT, I do think that Isabella, or God, or both send me "signs" to comfort me. It made me smile on a day that I didn't think I could smile. It made me have hope again...even when that may seem like a very hard thing to still have. I still have faith, hope, and love. And right now at this very moment, I am happy. I know Isabella wants to look down on a happy mommy, not a sad one. So on this Friday we had enough strength to pick out her headstone. I made sure to put a butterfly on it.

International Babylost Father's Day

I feel like I have a lot of support from a lot of people but I think that people tend to forget that father's are grieving too. I know that Dan feels like he has to fix things--and losing Isabella is not something that can be fixed. That is a tough thing for a dad to deal with. I think that it is extra hard because he does not have as many outlets to grieve as I do...I worry about him. I know he is hurting too. I hope that people will remember that father's need that support and love.

Daughter Quote

Daughters are angels sent from above to fill our hearts with unending love.

Everything is just different now.

Everything is just different now. Some things are actually good too. I definitely enjoy each moment I spend with my family. I stop and smell the roses and try not to get frustrated over the the little things. I enjoy the wagon rides, bedtime stories, and even dirty diapers--or accidents while we try potty training. I definitely have a very different perspective on the world than most people do. It is very hard to function day to day. I am completely exhausted each night from going to work, acting all day and then trying to give Dominic as much attention as I can give. It is harder than I ever thought it would be. I hope one day it gets easier because it is very hard continue to keep doing this day in and day out.

Few if us know what we are capable of doing...we have never pushed ourselves hard enough to find out. Alfred A. Montapert. This quote has sat on my desk for the first weeks of school to remind be to keep on pushing. I know I am giving my 110% in as much as possible and as much as I can do so hopefully it will get better and I will be able to start doing a little more each day.